The Worst Ever BRIT Award outfits

Now I’m not talking as controversial as Lady Gaga’s meat dress at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards, but after the reveal of Ellie Goulding’s questionable Vivienne Westwood gown (candyfloss and Mr Whippy lovechild) at the BRITS last week, it got me thinking about some of the fashion monstrosities that have sashayed down the red carpet in recent years. Some celebrities should have seriously have sacked their stylists, or in some cases, actually shelled out the cash for one (we’re looking at you Carol Vorderman, on THREE separate occasions, pleather? What WERE you thinking?).

anastaciaFirst off, we’re going all the way back to the prehistoric times, when Anastacia decided to shear her pet wooly mammoth for the occasion. Back in 2002 (we all remember the furry boot craze) it was important to show your traditional Icelandic side and embrace suede and wool that looks like old lady hair and Anastacia didn’t disappoint. But I applaud her for dressing appropriately for the February weather, perhaps she was worried she’d be left outside alone.

Secondly, and I mean this from the bottom of my kind-of-sympathetic-but-you-did-it-to-yourself heart; but why on EARTH did Mitch Winehouse think it was a good idea to wear his daughter, Amy Winehouse’s face, as a waistcoat to the 2013 BRITs? On the other hand, it was thoughtful for him to take her along to an award ceremony that she definitely never took heroin/drank an obscene amount of alcohol/did shoddy performances at/ruined for many of the years she was invited.

pinkNow Pink has never sat highly on my ‘Best Dressed’ scale but this toga catastrophe looks like it’s been the perfect platform for red wine induced vomiting at a teenage frat party. And pairing it with Peter Pan style boots, yep, you win Pink, you’re outfit is almost as shit as your hair.

kkI don’t think this list would have been the same without an entry from Kerry Katona. The way she gate-crashed a chess convention, before arriving with husband soon-to-be-divorced-and-onto-Delta-Goodrem Bryan McFadden at the 2004 BRITs was truly admirable. Apart from the fact that no one will ever forgive her for this terrible choice. Checkmate Kerry.

scFirst impression when seeing this picture of Sara Cox…’Sara Cox is wearing a dress made of cockroaches’.

DHThe ultimate winner on this list though, is undoubtedly 2006 entry, Debbie Harry. On the journey to rediscover her youth, it looks like Blondie had a run in with Ronald McDonald, stealing his clothes as a consolation for him refusing her a Happy Meal.

Unfortunately, in all her pleathery, crochet and basically wearing nothing glory, Caprice had too many entries to mention on this list so instead if you get bored, google ‘Caprice Brit Award Outfit’ and waste yourself at least 45 minutes cringing at work.

The Baffling BAFTAs: Explaining the award ceremony as it really is.

So this year, after already seemingly watching award ceremony after award ceremony, and beginning a career in TV & Film production, and discovering that there are even more award ceremonies than I ever thought there were, I was a bit apprehensive when the news of the BAFTA winners popped up in my email. It all gets a bit much and I didn’t want to get lost, having to watch the ceremony online with a dodgy internet connection is not something I’m looking forward to, so I thought I’d put together this post about being baffled by the BAFTA’s, and explaining the ceremony award by award right until the very bitter end. I applaud you in the most conservative clapping manner if you indeed reach the end.

 

Let’s begin with the big boys.

BEST FILM 

12 Years a Slave, Anthony Katagas, Brad Pitt, Dede Gardner, Jeremy Kleiner, Steve McQueen

American Hustle, Charles Roven, Richard Suckle, Megan Ellison, Jonathan Gordon

Captain Phillips, Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca

Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón, David Heyman

Philomena, Gabrielle Tana, Steve Coogan, Tracey Seaward

 

This is the award that anyone who is anyone and everyone who is anyone’s sister’s best friend’s hamster is excited about. The big award, the one to scoop, and seemingly more so, the one that everyone actually concentrates on and may even get a ‘whoop whoop!’ from the live audience, instead of a conservative two finger tap clap. Everyone must have sat in such anticipation as the film announced as the W!nn£r was definitely not expected in any way shape or form or has been dubbed the winner since before it was relased. Nope, no surprise there, whatsoever.

 

WINNER: 12 Years a Slave, Anthony Katagas, Brad Pitt, Dede Gardner, Jeremy Kleiner, Steve McQueen 

 

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM

Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón, David Heyman, Jonás Cuarón

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, Justin Chadwick, Anant Singh, David M. Thompson, William Nicholson

Philomena, Stephen Frears, Gabrielle Tana, Steve Coogan, Tracey Seaward, Jeff Pope

Rush, Ron Howard, Andrew Eaton, Peter Morgan

Saving Mr Banks, John Lee Hancock, Alison Owen, Ian Collie, Philip Steuer, Kelly Marcel, Sue Smith

The Selfish Giant, Clio Barnard, Tracy O’Riordan

 

Outstanding/Best British Film is a category that although, often sits in the shadows of the Best Film category, actually has more significance in the film buff world. I don’t know if you’d noticed but the BAFTAs stand for British Academy of Film and Television Arts, so the fact that there’s a British only section, is kind of just. Sneaky, but just. Muahaha us Brits ey. Anyway, whilst everyone is mopping their tears over the Best Film winner announcement and doing their 3rd cheers of the night already, some British folk in the audience are going ‘Eh?!’ at the announcement of the \/\/*nn£r of this category. Gravity. Oh erm you mean with British actors Sandra Bullock and George Clooney and British Director Alfonso Cuarón? Oh yeah, totally…erm, Cheers! Well I guess it was filmed at Pinewood studios…makes it British right?

 

WINNER: Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón, David Heyman, Jonás Cuarón 

 

OUTSTANDING DEBUT BY A BRITISH WRITER, DIRECTOR OR PRODUCER

Colin Carberry (Writer), Glenn Patterson (Writer) for Good Vibrations

Kelly Marcel (Writer) for Saving Mr Banks

Kieran Evans (Director/Writer) for Kelly + Victor

Paul Wright (Director/Writer), Polly Stokes (Producer) for For Those in Peril

Scott Graham (Director/Writer) for Shell

 

Well this award is simply just like ‘AW! How cute!’ No really, as a recent graduate of English Literature, I took some creative modules alright and it means a lot for someone to like your work. These guys-winning an internationally acclaimed super award- must have felt the same as me when I got told that I had a nice use of alliteration in a seminar once.

 

WINNER: Kieran Evans (Director/Writer) for Kelly + Victor 

 

 

FILM NOT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

The Act of Killing, Joshua Oppenheimer, Signe Byrge Sørensen

Blue is the Warmest Colour, Abdellatif Kechiche, Brahim Chioua, Vincent Maraval

The Great Beauty, Paolo Sorrentino, Nicola Giuliano, Francesca Cima Metro Manila Sean Ellis, Mathilde Charpentier Wadjda Haifaa Al-Mansour, Gerhard Meixner, Roman Paul

 

This is the award where everyone just kind of smiles and nods and inwardly slaps themselves on the wrists for not watching any of the films in this category. Well done though.

 

WINNER: The Great Beauty, Paolo Sorrentino, Nicola Giuliano, Francesca Cima Metro Manila Sean Ellis, Mathilde Charpentier Wadjda Haifaa Al-Mansour, Gerhard Meixner, Roman Paul 

 

DOCUMENTARY

The Act of Killing, Joshua Oppenheimer

The Armstrong Lie, Alex Gibney

Blackfish, Gabriela Cowperthwaite

Tim’s Vermeer, Teller, Penn Jillette, Farley Ziegler

We Steal Secrets: The Story of Wikileaks, Alex Gibney

 

This is the award where murmurs erupt underneath the blanket of two finger tap clapping, and you catch a glimpse of someone mouthing ‘I thought this category was just for David Attenborough? That’s who I voted for?’

 

WINNER: The Act of Killing, Joshua Oppenheimer 

 

ANIMATED FILM

Despicable Me 2, Chris Renaud, Pierre Coffin

Frozen, Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee

Monsters University, Dan Scanlon

 

Everyone perks up at this point because they finally recognise not only this category, but this movie too. ‘Cos watching those minions wreaking all that havoc is easier watching than actually having to endure something that might make you think! (See category above).

 

WINNER: Frozen, Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee 

 

DIRECTOR

Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave

David O Russell for American Hustle

Paul Greengrass for Captain Phillips

Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity

Martin Scorsese for The Wolf of Wall Street

 

I simply have no words to say on this category because if it were me, I would have just awarded the award to Daivd O Russell for American Hustle as he was the only Director who actually took the time to make sure he presented a film that rhymed with his own name.

 

WINNER: Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity 

 

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Eric Warren Singer, David O. Russell for American Hustle

Woody Allen for Blue Jasmine

Alfonso Cuarón, Jonás Cuarón for Gravity

Joel Coen, Ethan Coen for Inside Llewyn Davis

Bob Nelson for Nebraska

 

Original screenplay you say? Well if I wrote a screenplay about two astronauts who suffer set back after set back in their desperate return to Earth, one making it, the other sacrificing themselves with interjecting themes of wilderness survival and motifs of psychological change, I’d be pretty p****d off too if it lost out to swishing glittery jumpsuits and stripey platform shoes…and that silver dress.

 

WINNER: Eric Warren Singer, David O. Russell for American Hustle 

 

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

John Ridley for 12 Years a Slave

Richard LaGravenese for Behind the Candelabra

Billy Ray for Captain Phillips

Steve Coogan for Jeff Pope, Philomena

Terence Winter for The Wolf of Wall Street

 

You know what I’m glad Steve Coogan won this one and I’m sure everyone else in the audience thought the same. He hasn’t had the same appeal to me since Alan Partridge (and I mean late 90s Partridge not Alpha Papa) so he whole heartedly deserved this award for his great work on Philomena. Stealing the limelight a bit from Jeff Pope, but Jeff Pope is Jeff Pope and he’s probably really nice and doesn’t mind too much anyway.

 

WINNER: Steve Coogan for Jeff Pope, Philomena 

 

LEADING ACTOR

Bruce Dern for Nebraska

Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave

Christian Bale for American Hustle

Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street

Tom Hanks for Captain Phillips

 

I wanted to take this opportunity to congratulate Chiwetel Ejiofor on his fantastic performance as Peter, Kiera Knightley’s unsuspecting charmingly wonderful newlywed other half in Love Actually. That All You Need is Love scene…set high expectations for the man I marry since 2003. I haven’t seen this yet but apparently he’s good in this too.

 

WINNER: Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave 

 

LEADING ACTRESS

Amy Adams for American Hustle

Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine

Emma Thompson for Saving Mr Banks

Judi Dench for Philomena

Sandra Bullock for Gravity

 

I think the fact that Cate Blanchett spells her name with a C instead of a K is proof enough that by this point in the awards, everyone was just like, give it to Kate, I mean Cate. Does it matter? They both sound like Cake. There’s cake?

WINNER: Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine

 

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips

Bradley Cooper for American Hustle

Daniel Brühl for Rush

Matt Damon for Behind the Candelabra

Michael Fassbender for 12 Years a Slave

 

This is where the ceremony will have gotten all serious and all like ‘seriously guys, an unknown actor could completely sweep the overestimated Bradley Cooper’s and MATT DAMON’s off their feet. And rewarded for his incredible performance in Captain Phillip’s, Barkhad Abdi was, now that’s pretty impressive for your first film…ever.

 

WINNER: Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips 

 

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle

Julia Roberts for August: Osage County

Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave

Oprah Winfrey for The Butler

Sally Hawkins for Blue Jasmine

 

If Jennifer Lawrence hasn’t already won this award before she was born then there would have been outcry. Not only is she like, THE coolest and most loveable young actress since, well ever, she’s frigging good at what she does. Hustling her way to this award perfectly.

 

WINNER: Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle 

 

ORIGINAL MUSIC

Hans Zimmer for 12 Years a Slave

John Williams for The Book Thief

Henry Jackman for Captain Phillips

Steven Price for Gravity

Thomas Newman for Saving Mr Banks

 

I’m always backing John Williams on whatever he does, because he made Harry Potter magical for me. He didn’t win this, therefore myself, and all the other Harry Potter fans in the audience (everyone) didn’t care about who won. Who was it? Oh yeah. Great.

 

WINNER: Steven Price for Gravity 

 

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Sean Bobbitt for 12 Years A Slave

Barry Ackroyd for Captain Phillips

Emmanuel Lubezki for Gravity

Bruno Delbonnel for Inside Llewyn Davis

Phedon Papamichael for Nebraska

 

This is the point where everyone is just chatting amongst themselves until someone does a ‘You’re being rude’ cough of ‘Ahem’ to remind everyone that this category does exist and could everyone please stop playing Flappy Bird and pay attention.

 

WINNER: Emmanuel Lubezki for Gravity (May I add not many people have pictures of themselves just chilling in space, real or faked).

 

EDITING

Joe Walker for 12 Years a Slave

Christopher Rouse for Captain Phillips

Alfonso Cuarón, Mark Sanger for Gravity

Thelma Schoonmaker for The Wolf of Wall Street

Mike Hill, Dan Hanley for Rush

 

Hey editing is important okay. Just because the table has run out of complimentary Prosecco and the free bar is only beer and wine doesn’t mean you don’t have to applaud the guys that edit you in the movie guys! They can just as easily edit you out…

 

WINNER: Mike Hill, Dan Hanley for Rush 

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Adam Stockhausen, Alice Baker for 12 Years a Slave

Judy Becker, Heather Loeffle for American Hustle

Howard Cummings for Behind the Candelabra

Andy Nicholson, Rosie Goodwin, Joanne Woodlard for Gravity

Catherine Martin, Beverley Dunn for The Great Gatsby

 

Proof that The Great Gatsby was the greatest film of 2013, so much so it’s still making an impression a year on, still clinging onto a place on the list. Pretty much like being awarded #37 on the UK Top 40 music chart.

 

WINNER: Catherine Martin, Beverley Dunn for The Great Gatsby 

 

 

COSTUME DESIGN

Michael Wilkinson for American Hustle

Ellen Mirojnick for Behind the Candelabra

Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby

Michael o’Connor for The Invisible Woman

Daniel Orlandi for Saving Mr Banks

 

This would have been an interesting moment in the ceremony, because realistically, you have all of these beautiful and glamourous movie stars, perched in their straight off the runway, haute couture, vintage designer gear congratulating someone that they probably can’t remember the name of who made them look 10 x better than their publicist that day. If only Leonardo Di Caprio wore a salmon suit every day.

 

WINNER: Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby 

 

 

MAKE UP & HAIR

 

Evelyne Noraz, Lori Mccoy-Bell for American Hustle

Kate Biscoe, Marie Larkin for Behind the Candelabra

Debra Denson, Beverly Jo Pryor, Candace Neal for The Butler

Maurizio Silvi, Kerry Warn for The Great Gatsby

Peter Swords King, Richard Taylor, Rick Findlater for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

 

Cough, same as above. Well it is isn’t it?

 

WINNER: Evelyne Noraz, Lori Mccoy-Bell for American Hustle 

 

SOUND

 

Richard Hymns, Steve Boeddeker, Brandon Proctor, Micah Bloomberg, Gillian Arthur for All is Lost

Chris Burdon, Mark Taylor, Mike Prestwood Smith, Chris Munro, Oliver Tarney for Captain Phillips

 

Glenn Freemantle, Skip Lievsay, Christopher Benstead, Niv Adiri, Chris Munro for Gravity

Peter F. Kurland, Skip Lievsay, Greg Orloff for Inside Llewyn Davis

Danny Hambrook, Martin Steyer, Stefan Korte, Markus Stemler, Frank Kruse for Rush

 

If you don’t have a movie with sound, you have a silent movie. And then, these award ceremonies would be very different. This was such a nothing comment. Who even knew sounds was a category? Don’t blame me.

WINNER: Glenn Freemantle, Skip Lievsay, Christopher Benstead, Niv Adiri, Chris Munro for Gravity 

 

SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS

 

Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, David Shirk, Neil Corbould, Nikki Penny for Gravity

Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton, Eric Reynolds for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Bryan Grill, Christopher Townsend, Guy Williams, Dan Sudick for Iron Man 3

Hal Hickel, John Knoll, Lindy De Quattro, Nigel Sumner for Pacific Rim

Ben Grossmann, Burt Dalton, Patrick Tubach, Roger Guyett for Star Trek Into Darkness

 

OBVIOUSLY GRAVITY WOULD WIN THIS ONE THEY’RE IN SPACE (FAKE SPACE) FOR GODS SAKE. Fake space set in Buckinghamshire.

 

 

WINNER: Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, David Shirk, Neil Corbould, Nikki Penny for Gravity 

 

BRITISH SHORT ANIMATION

 

Everything I Can See From Here, Bjorn-Erik Aschim, Friederike Nicolaus, Sam Taylor

I Am Tom Moody, Ainslie Henderson

Sleeping With The Fishes, James Walker, Sarah Woolner, Yousif Al-Khalifa

 

I think Sleeping with the Fishes means dead and so does the audience but they’re not sure cos they chose to watch Gossip Girl on Netflix instead. Polite two finger tap clapping all round. Is that glass of wine for me?

 

WINNER: Sleeping With The Fishes, James Walker, Sarah Woolner, Yousif Al-Khalifa 

 

BRITISH SHORT FILM

 

Island Queen, Ben Mallaby, Nat Luurtsema

Keeping Up With The Joneses, Megan Rubens, Michael Pearce, Selina Lim

Orbit Ever After, Chee-Lan Chan, Jamie Stone, Len Rowles

Room 8, James W. Griffiths, Sophie Venner

Sea View, Anna Duffield, Jane Linfoot

 

It’s no Room on the 3rd floor video, I think McFly would be equally as proud though.

 

WINNER: Room 8, James W. Griffiths, Sophie Venner 

 

THE EE RISING STAR AWARD (voted for by the public)

 

Dane Dehaan

George Mackay

Lupita Nyong’o

Will Poulter

Léa Seydoux

“Haha yeah I remember that kid, he was on that slightly unfunny but funny e4 comedy show for kids, aw bless him, 14 isn’t he, he must feel great… 20! He’s 20?! Since when?”

 

WINNER: Will Poulter 

 

So there you have it, after the big awards, the BAFTAs are fairly boring and just an excuse for everyone to get rat arsed. So all in all, a pretty British affair.

 

Image

Haha- Look how adorable Steve McQueen is.

5 Homemade Valentine’s Gifts and Their True Meanings

Yep, it’s that time of year again when everyone either gets all soppy or gets all stroppy. Some go all out on Valentine’s Day. I’m talking big bouquet, mountain of chocolates, and a romantic candlelit dinner at a swanky restaurant. But some don’t go all out, and instead go for the romantic (cheesy) home-made gift. You’ll find these gift ideas plastered all over Pinterest, trending through Tumblr and hopping through Hipsterville. These special, homemade gifts are meant to scream a thousand “I love you’s” and convince your loved one that you really care, hence why you took all the time (no time) to craft a special gift of loveliness and sugar plum fairy goodness, all in the name of love. But there is another, dark sided meaning to these thoughtful, homemade love tokens. And that message is, you simply couldn’t be arsed, could you? But they don’t know that right?

1. Breakfast in Bed

What your partner thinks- “Oh that is so sweet and adorable, and they even did my eggs just the way I like them!”

What it actually means- “I forgot Valentine’s Day and went to the shop at 6am to get you the exact same breakfast we have every Sunday but it’s different today because I shaped your toast into a heart.”

2. 12 Months of Pre Planned Dates

What your partner thinks- “Oh how wonderful, 12 whole months of endearing activities and exciting surprises for us to do together!”

What it actually means- “I ran out of ideas by June so the last 6 months is just ‘go to a movie’ ‘cos I’m hoping you’ll have forgotten by then…or we’ll have broken up.”

3. 50 Reasons Why I Love You Jar

What your partner thinks- “As if they couldn’t get more amazing, there’s just so many reasons in here, I can’t believe they thought of that many!”

What it actually means- “Hmm, I’ll use this old jar and fill 75% of it with scrunched up paper, I’ll make the other 25% of notes so illegible that they’ll give up reading and distract them with chocolate.”

4. Dairy Free chocolate Covered Strawberries

What your partner thinks- “Chocolate that’s kind to animals and still tastes delicious? How did they know?”

What it actually means- “Dairy Free means you’re less likely to get fat right?”

5. Carved initial…anything.

What your partner thinks- “A Candle/Paperweight/Twig with our initials carved into it? This is incredible and so thoughtful, it must have taken them so long to get it right.”

What is actually means- “I found this candle/paperweight/twig in the drawer and scratched it with my Dad’s Swiss army knife, sorry the S looks like a 5.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

hipster

-photo courtesy of yardbarker.com

XOXO