- Carrying a wet umbrella on the tube. Chances are you also have a million other things to hold, as well as holding onto the bar that keeps you from hurtling down the carriage. Where does your wet umbrella go? Can’t go in your bag can it? Stuck to the side of your leg like a wet limpet, there we go.
- Rain in London. The majority of the UK suffers boughts of rain, heck I lived in the rainiest place in the UK for my whole 3 years at University. It’s not a myth that it rains less in the south, and when it does, there just seems to be so so much of it, and it’s defo wetter rain than the rest of the country.
- Going into a cubicle a second after someone has come out. This one is more for ladies. Whether you work in a big corporation where the toilets are constantly one in one out, or you’re in a dingy Soho bar with only one toilet, you will inhale the smell of someone’s urine before you, top tip, hold your breath as you go in.
- Having to top up, every other day. You don’t get the tube enough to justify getting a monthly pass. You don’t want to put more than £10 at a time on your oyster card if you’re only making a couple of journeys because £££. But then again you still find yourself every other day, stood in the queue behind all the tourists baffled by the Cash Accepted/Cards Accepted ticket machines.
- Wearing the right clothes. It’s cold outside, but then there’s a bought of sun and suddenly, your roll neck is cooking you from the inside out. Oh, it’s sunny out this morning, better where that new summer dress from Asos and oh look it’s 3pm, it’s winter again and I’m freezing.
- Getting the train back up North. Like anyone wants to go up to Manchester at the weekend after work? Oh look this is the busiest train I’ve ever been on ever and I’m stood next to the toilet door that keeps jamming as it opens and closes and oh god am I smelling shit? Never getting the 7pm from London Euston again.
- The weekends go faster. You finish work late on Friday night, but fuck it, you’re still going out with your mates, you don’t care that they live in Hammersmith and it’s going to take you an hour from working in Central to get there? Oh fuck, how is it Saturday afternoon already, god you were so wasted last night, you’ve wasted a whole day! Better watch Netflix for a couple of hours whilst you wait for your pizza to arrive…How are you still watching Netflix at 2pm on Sunday? At least you got your washing done and had a nice bath before, oh your boss just emailed you saying can you be in work early tomorrow morning and it’s 8.45am and you’re sat at your desk.
- You spend all your money on 50% off meal deals. Tastecard? Secret Dining? It’s all pretty much a free way to eat out right? Never mind that £30 Ocado shop you have waiting at home, you’ve had a really stressful day at work and that new Thai place is offering 50% for it’s first week opening aaaaaaand it’s halfway through the month, your money’s gone and you’re eating Sainsbury’s basic Tuna out of the can…with your cat.
- You find yourself talking to yourself. Are you cursing ShittyMapper? Or GoogleCraps? Or just got a TO DO list as long as your right arm that you start muttering to yourself on the bus, walking home, in the queue for coffee. Don’t worry, this is only a pet peeve to yourself alone, no one else has noticed ‘cos they’re all muttering to themselves too.
And 1. Tourists. They are everywhere. They are in your way on the tube. They are in your way in a queue for your drunken staggering home on a Tuesday night McDonald’s. They are your friend from home who wants to see every single landmark in the whole of London is two days. They are you when you are lost and ShittyMapper isn’t working. They are your parents when you go ‘Meet me at Oxford Circus tube’ ‘Okay is that on Oxford Street or?’ Tourists are one of the main sources of income in London’s society but they are also bloody well annoying.