The No Phone Diaries: A Day by Day Analysis into the Psychological Damage of Living Without a Mobile Phone

On Monday 7th December, a terrible crime was committed in the large Sainsbury’s just off Effra Road in Brixton. Some d*ckhead stole my phone. So instead of crying, and kicking doorframes and yelling ‘WHY ME!’, I accepted that unfortunately more often than not, this happens to everyone at some point, and instead decided to experiment and flirt with the idea of living in a 70s/80s professional career no phone timewarp.

Day 1: Tuesday 8th December

7.15am: Wake up call to make way for a run.  7.30am awake up call instead from tired housemate and then a snooze for 10 minutes, not her fault we were up late wondering about my poor baby phone and how cold and alone it must be feeling without its momma.

9am: Leaving for work, patted my pockets before leaving. Wave of ‘Urgghh I have no phone wah’ washed over me. Especially as the oyster travelcard of dreams was located in the pocket of the phone case. A new one of them to purchase from the crying bank account.

1pm: Lunch. Off to the phone shop for a new sim card. Sit in a chair waiting to be served, look at pictures on wall. Look at others waiting, everyone on phones. I am staring into space thinking about how empty my hands are. Asked first person what time it was. Got reply like I’d asked if I could lick their face.

5pm: Arrange over Facebook (haven’t gone completely ice age) to meet up with boyfriend, give strict instructions to head to my house to avoid standing at tube station like a willy.

6.30pm: Asked second person for the time today. They took long look at 70s outfit and decided I was actress getting into role for new BBC Drama.

7pm: Find boyfriend at tube, impeccable timing skills from me. Wonder is life so bad without a phone after all?

Answer after Day 1: Yes.

Day 2: Wednesday 9th December

7.30am: Boyfriend snoozes alarm until 8am. Dash for shower, I realise I wouldn’t have got up any earlier if I’d set the alarm.

9.15am: Early for work, but only have a vague idea as pushed out of the way of viewing the clock on underground by disgruntled morning commute phone owners. If only they knew about my pain.

1pm: Lunch. No wedding quizzes on Buzzfeed app 😦

5pm: Slight panic at the thought of once again wandering London aiming to meet up with boyfriend and without phone.

6.30pm: Late to meet boyfriend, he is stood exactly where he said he would be, has stood in cold for 20 minutes,  I have reassurance we could have dated in the 70s.

8pm: Seeing Bill Bailey, luckily no photography allowed in the appollo so no phone envy. Laugh a lot and forget I even have phone, until one of his sketches involves jamming to iPhone tune. Silently weep in toilets at interval.

12am: Friend in need has to call my boyfriend to get through to me. His phone also broken, shards of iPhone glass are digging into my ear. Asks why I didn’t reply to her snapchat, remind her I have no phone. She finds it funny. I do not.

Verdict Day 2: Hate everyone, want my phone.

Day 3: Thursday 10th December

8am: Wake up late due to unfamiliar sounding alarm.

9.45am: Arrive late at work because of red signal tubes, not knowing the time and walking around in tick tock denial.

12.20pm: Not having a phone has made me more on time for lunch because I’m scared I’ve been out of the office too long so I panic and am actually out for 20 minutes.

1pm: Take real lunch.

7pm: No phone means I have no friends to make plans with so working late and sidling off to work drinks is the easier option. I don’t go swimming because without a phone I don’t know what time the pool closes and that’s the excuse I’m sticking to.

Feeling Day 3: I forgot at two points that I didn’t have a phone, I was eating at one point and shitting at the other. Two times a phone isn’t needed. (I feel like my boyfriend would argue the latter).

Day 4: Friday 11th December

8.20am: Housemate wakes me up because my laptop alarm hasn’t gone off and I’m still fast asleep. Apple are failing me a lot this week, we’re going through a turbulent time in our relationship, I hope we pull through it.

10am: I’m technically late for work but it’s a Friday and being late on a Friday in my office isn’t a thing. I explain the laptop alarm situation and reiterate that I got my phone stolen and I get a chorus of ‘ahhs’ and ‘oh that sucks’ from the two people that have showed up on a Friday, one of which happens to be my boss so I appreciate the attention.

12pm: I’ve found my bosses on Facebook, accidentally, but I can’t check their profiles because I’m sat next to them. I don’t have a secret phone device to pretend I’m checking my calendar on…I am lost.

1pm: Dad emails me picture of our dog as a puppy being held by an attractive (and topless) male model to me and my siblings. That thief may have stole my phone but they WILL NOT STEAL MY JOY.

11pm: There is a lot of confusion between me and the boyfriend as to his whereabouts and how alive he is on a scale of 1- 10. With one without a phone and another that is broken and stabbing shards of glass into the sides of one’s face, communication never was to be simple.

Verdict end of Day 4: Empty.

Day 5: Saturday 12th December

9am: Today is an important day, a Christmas day. Full of cheer and Christmas joy. It’s the day of our Christmas meal.

5pm: Who knew how much I wanted to instagram a pig in blanket before? The rest of the dinner stays committed to memory as even phoneaholic Blasmin doesn’t touch the insta buttons whilst we dream team cook the Christmas dinner.

10.30pm: No pictures are taken on what can be described as the most university night out ever. There are no pictures, therefore no memories. Which is great for how drunk I got.

3am: What’s a phone? Where’s my bed?

Verdict: Glad I didn’t have a phone today, I would have only lost it anyway.

Day 6: Sunday 13th December

11am: Hungover, I rarely use my phone. I don’t know why, it’s maybe because my eyes can’t read lines of tweets without making me want to throw up. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I spend the day of being hungover in the arms of the ones I love, and pizzas I enjoy. Who knows.

End of Day 6: I’ve forgotten what phones are like.

Day 7: Monday 14th December

11am: I’m walking to the post office. I’ve made the boyfriend come with me like it’s some monumental occasion where the phone that I have waiting for me at the post office in Streatham Hill is the new iPhone 7S3000+ and not my mum’s 4 year old second hand Samsung S3.

2pm: The phone is charged, the SIM is accepted and my background is that of my parents leaping into a sunset on holiday in Greece where they look silouhettes of Fred and Wilma Flintstone, and I am refusing to change it.

4pm: Someone rings me, I’m not sure if they’ve rang me or if Will Young is trapped inside my mum’s phone, she has three songs on this phone, all by Will Young and all used for all of the phone elements. Ringtone, Alarm and possibly voicemail message. My phone is sporadically ringing on and off loud so there are enough people (2) leaving messages for me to find out.

??: I’m like that person who hasn’t had a phone for a week and forgets that they’re a thing, friends are contacting me again, slowly, the texts come through ‘WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?’ ‘OMG HAVE YOU BEEN LOST WITHOUT IT?’ ‘YOU WERE GONE FOREVER, I THOUGHT YOU’D ALSO DELETED FACEBOOK’.

Day 8: Tuesday 15th December

6.59am: I am awoken to the soft but waking tones of Will Young. It is payday, I instantly transfer money to the BUY NEW PHONE fund set up on my account. I cannot live with this shit. I want my baby back.

RIP iPhone 5s in CHAMPAGNE, you will be sorely missed.

 

 

 

My Holiday Make Up & Beauty Essentials

I usually ask for Make Up vouchers for Christmas, which translates into Boots vouchers from my grandad which have come in very handy when I have £0 bank balance with 2 days to go before payday and can no longer buy meal deals with my boots points. Aside from my way to cleverly (I think you’ll agree) being able to slightly homeless style feed myself before payday, I love this time of year for all the beauty products I can try and and test without them melting off my face in summer heat. Damn you summer you were not designed for gingers. I’ve comprised a shortlist (or short list, however you choose to see it) of my favourite products to use around these drab and dark winter months and leave me a comment if you agree or have any other suggestions!

  1. Cowshed – Cow Pat – Moisturising Hand Creme 50ml – £8 instore & online

Okay so I’ve always loved Cowshed products because they smell amazing and I’m always looking for a decent hand cream that doesn’t grease up my hands and this one is the one. It’s compact so can fit in my handbag, and it smells amazing, and the formula is a little sticky at first but dries to be like a creamy velvety texture and I love it.

2. Glo & Ray – Nuage Blush in Breaking Ray – £11 online

This blusher makes me happy. Not only because it’s a warm coral tone that suits my paler complexion but it’s really not too pigmented which means you can build up a little bit of colour as you go. The handy compact comes with a little brush and mirror so it’s prefect for popping in my handbag and using for touch ups. Have to thank Blasmin for this blush which was a ‘cheer up you’ve got no phone present’.

3. Philosophy Divine Color Cream-to-Satin Foundation spf 25 LIGHT – Approx £10 online

 

 

 

Now I actually bought this foundation compact at a make up sale at my work, so I got it for £5 and I don’t actually wear it as an everyday foundation because I find the coverage a bit thick for daywear. However, it’s great on a night out because it stays put, (I find that it works really well with MUA Primer, Superdrug £2) and I also keep it in my handbag for little day touch ups because of the handy little brush that comes with it. LOVE HANDY LITTLE BRUSHES.

4. Sainsbury’s Extra Firm Hold Hairspray 300ml – £0.90 instore & online

Image for Sainsbury's Extra Firm Hold Hairspray 300ml from Sainsbury's

I bought this hairspray because I just needed one at that moment and just wanted to buy a cheapy before I got my usual Vo5 all weather facing. But you know what, this hairspray is great! My hair actually stays put all day, but getting caught in wind makes this hairspray make your hair a little notty. But for 90p, you pay £3/4 more for hairspray that does little if to nothing different.

5. Dove Derma Spa Summer Revived Fair to Medium Skin Body Lotion 200ml – £6but cheaper online 

 

I bought this buy one get one free in Superdrug so I bought the Fair to Medium and the Medium to Dark. I tend to use the Fair to Medium as a nightly moituriser and the Medium to Dark to build up colour over a few days (usually 2/3 will do the trick nicely) for when I’m going out. The forumla smells really nice, slightly biscuity but that’s really not a problem for me, and it has a smooth textures, and is non greasy and quick drying. I’ve found it to be streak free and long lasting, but I am quite the expert of fake tanning having done it for 10 years. If you leave your feet and only skim the top, then it’s going to look like you wore dolly shoes when you applied it. IT’s a good gradual tanner, one of the best I’ve used and gives me a wintery ski holiday glow but it’s not a miracle worker and you have to be aware it’s only going to develop in the places you work it in.

I’m going to be doing a few more health and beauty posts in the New Year so if you have any suggestions, please drop me a comment below.

10 things 20 Somethings should do when throwing a Christmas Dinner

copyright thedcam.com

 

I am trés excited for Saturday 12th December. Not only is it the official first day of Christmas, (don’t gimme any of that 1st December bullshit, it’s the 12th and you know it) but me and my nearest and dearest London pals are throwing a Christmas dinner. As we are all 20 somethings and attempting a Christmas meal, I thought the title for this post was very apt.

  1. Mistletoe – At the door, on the floor, in the cupboard that everyone opens thinking it’s the bathroom. Put it everywhere, chances are in your twenty something friendship group there’s either a couple, a maybe or some potential hook ups of tomorrow, either way, spread a little Christmas magic and be a Christmas cupid.
  2. Plan what you’re cooking at least the day before. Otherwise you will end up with half meat feast/half pepperoni dominoes setting you back around £25 pp. You could have gone gourmet for that price.
  3. On that note, budget: Set your budget at £10 or £20 per head for food and booze. You can get some really good deals in places like Iceland and Lidl without spending a fortune and can get some interesting German brands (Lidl especially) which will just make Christmas all the more authentic for you!
  4. Keep Secret Santa an actual secret. I mean myself and my friends tried to keep it secret this year and I worked out 70% of the formula of who had who and to be honest kind of ruined it for myself and others (sorry guys). You’re in your 20’s, you’re not going to be able to give each other £50 Liberty vouchers (I don’t know why I said this like as soon as you hit 40 you can afford that either) so set a budget -£5,£10 will do and accept your present of malleable fart goo from the pound shop and be merry and gay about it.
  5. Music – Don’t let any of your friends, no matter how close you are, choose putting on Kisstory Christmas over the traditional holiday tunes, but do allow your token Jewish friend to play Hava Nagila for a bit before the Turkey comes out the oven, then it’s Bublé time and you know it.
  6. Games – No Christmas dinner party soiree is complete without a family row and board games. These days, you’re hip and cool in your 20s and if you live in Shoreditch you’ll have been playing dirty scrabble since 2011, but for the rest of us folk who can’t grow beards that birds can live in, Cards of Humanity or good old fashioned Charades is the perfect way to get everyone drunkenly debating/arguing.
  7. Plan a night out in advance and agree where you’re going to go. You’re going to be bloated and full and not in the mood to go out but then those old pangs of going clubbing on special occasions will come back to haunt you from teenage/university years and you’ll just have to go out anyway. Better to be sensible and plan/mentally prepare for it as early as possible.
  8. Have a little nap before you head out. You’re old. This way you’ll last until 2am which is an improvement on Halloween’s 1am.
  9. Do get dressed up to the nines. It’s Christmas. You’re still young and hot-ish. Don’t comedy dress. No one is going to kiss ‘sexy Rudolph’ with face painted bright red nose, because no one is longer 18 and people actually develop standards as they get more sensible/age.
  10. Get prepared for that hangover the next day because it’s going to be disgusting. Take the Monday off work.Recuperate by having two day Domino binge with the money you saved on not getting Dominoes for Christmas dinner.