Get the Layered London Life

Thanks DUDELOL.com, you’re hilarious and you know it!

So for a while, I’ve been having this constant internal breakdown where I’m like ‘Where am I? ‘Who am I’? And more importantly, ‘Where am I going?’ And of course, the constant beating in my chest and subsequently my throat are cultivated by the Uber stress that’s bestowed upon me and also in fact that I can’t actually afford half the Uber rides I actually get.

I was about 16 when I decided that after I’d thwarted my way through performance studies at college (free spirited ok?) and spent three years of my life chugging back VKs in Revs at uni that I would move to London. In September 2013 I set off with my little handkerchief tied onto a stick and was driven 300 miles down the motorway by my Stepdad and TalkSport Radio (4 HOUR DRIVE PEOPLE). Pretty soon after I’d landed and since, I’d managed to start a new job, cry at a new job, quit a job, open an overdraft, spend an overdraft, have an interview at Vogue, an interview at Glamour, get rejection letters from both, get a job in TV, realise I like TV, lose my job in TV, get another job in TV, lose my job in TV again, and then gain another job in TV which I’m due to start soon. Amongst all that, I’d ended a previous relationship, started a new one, boarded with crazy people, boarded with friends, eaten at Morley’s Fried Chicken more than once, eaten at a Michelin starred restaurant more than once and still managed on top of all that to be in debt, but drinking Prosecco on a Friday night? Crazy huh?

What’s my secret? Ok guys…I’ll tell you. How can I on the surface have this shiny, happy go lucky persona, my Primark skirt being mistaken for Zara at a glance, my perfectly manicured nails being stick on types from Poundland, and then underneath that is a 2 bedroom flat in Brixton, a meal at Duck & Waffle on a Friday night and a trip to New York in October for my 25th. How do I do it you ask? I’ve got the Layered London Life.

The Layered London Life is not a product you can buy, or a class you can attend, it’s a London way of life which you have to study, perfect and ultimately master in order to balance your life of oxymoron’s and juxtapose your daily routine. Up until 3am getting hammered on 2 4 1 cocktails at Be At One but got a work meeting at 9am? The Answer? Dean Street Townhouse! Avocado and egg on toast for £9! Amazing. You get to eat something that washes the Sambuca out of your mouth and look like you’ve got your shit together! And what’s even better? You can expense it to work!

Got a hot date on Thursday night but don’t have any money to get a new outfit? Don’t ignore those cheap looking pile of shit shops like Risky and Rebel!. They might be gross on the outside, and the inside, but they can re-sell a Boohoo dress with the label cut out for half the price! You might get some D£sign£r heels too for only £6, wow how incredible considering the RRP is £225!

Want to appear cultured and knowledgeable but can’t actually afford the £12 entry fee to the Tate exhibition on rat droppings? Well, have no fear, you can go to all of the free ones instead, and when you’re date/person you are trying to impress with all your knowledge makes a hint that they want to go into said paid for exhibit, distract them with your waving of a BOGOF glass of house white voucher at the local Wetherspoon’s which conveniently looks over the Thames…And if you want to travel back in style, grab the Emirates cable cars, and gawp at the view of London by air for the same price as a tube ride, bonus points if you’re on a travelcard and further bonus points for realising these two spots are nowhere near each other.

It sucks having no money and living in a city in London where everything is so expensive but there’s lots of things worth doing that are free, it just takes a bit of research. It sucks not having any time and living in London. Work can overtake your life sometimes, and although my mum always says ‘You don’t have to do it all now just because you’re young!’ Well screw you mom! Do you think you know better than me because you have 30 years life experience on top of me and have brought up a child genius such as myself? I will do it all now! You know why? Because London is a young person’s game. It might be the golden oldies who sit in their million pound Highgate and Kensington homes and the odd flake from Made in Chelsea made up land, but it is the young people that get away with the shit above because we are young, and determined and a liiiiiittle bit stupid.

You see, the secret to The Layered London Life is in its title. LAYERS. Like Donkey said to Shrek, Onions have layers, and so does London. Use them to your advantage. One day you might be supping on champagne from a glass shaped like Kate Moss’ tit, the next you’ll be paying for a Boots meal deal with your saved up Boots points you had reserved for a new mascara. C’est la Vie! C’est London!

Look at my layers on Instagram @ecarg_h

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My Tribute to David Bowie: The True Starman 1947-2016

He took no title of Sir and declined a CBE but David Bowie was close to royalty with his contribution to the arts over the past 47 years of his career.

I’m not going to pretend I’m the number one David Bowie fan, because apart from a stint of watching the movie Labyrinth everyday for about 3 months solid when I was 8, I didn’t actually get into and appreciate his music until I was way late into my teens. I remember once, when I was 20 years old, I had to get the 2A bus from the centre of Lancaster to University campus and the bus took a particular route through the Hala estate, notoriously steep with hills and riddled with slow old people taking forever to flash their bus passes to the driver. I was irritated because I was already late for a seminar I was not allowed to be late for, and it had just started Lancaster raining (this is much fiercer than any other UK rain) and I didn’t have an umbrella. And then Starman came on my Spotify, and as I hummed the words, I felt much better. It wasn’t an epiphany, or a moment of transformation. I just listened to the lyrics and then replayed it over and over again until I got to campus.

With an ex of mine, we used to constantly listen to The Best of Bowie on his dad’s old record player and dance around the little wooden hut we lived in like the hipster 21 year olds we thought we’d be forever, and I remember loving every minute of it. Fast forward 4 years, I listen to Bowie in the mornings whilst I get ready; or as a ‘panic song’ for when my mind goes blank at house party’s and most of the time whilst I’m walking somewhere so I can strut and pretend that everyone around me are just extras in my ultra cool and alternative music video.

My point is, Bowie for me sits up there on my internal music shelf, sometimes not thought of for a while, sometimes overplayed in just one day. I place him up there with Coldplay, The Beatles, Elvis, The Beautiful South, NWA and that one song from Visage I like. Songs that I can just pluck down and remind me of a time in my life, or a feeling I had when listening to it before.

David Bowie represented all ages, all races, all genders and all sexuality. His songs filter through some of the best known films and productions of the past 20 years, Buddha of Suburbia, Moulin Rouge and Shrek among others. His Aladdin Sane imagery features on the t shirts of those who bought online from eBay without the foggiest of who he is, and his lyrics adorn posters in student flats from 1970 onward.

So as I stood last night with hundreds of others at the vigil held in his birthplace of Brixton, we raised a glass for the master of reinvention, projected his images onto walls and even witnessed the defacing (debatable) of a statue adorned with the Aladdin Sane eye emblem. There were big Bowie fans there, there were people there just for the crowds but either way, there was this buzz. This buzz of everyone wanting to just celebrate this great, great life.

We should be thankful to David Bowie, not just because he was incredibly talented, but because he taught everyone the most valuable life lesson of all; that you should be whoever you want to be, you can change, you can stay the same, or be a hero, forever and ever.

Heidi Klum is the Queen of Halloween

I’ve always liked Heidi Klum and her and Seal were the ultimate noughties power couple, until she decided that a kiss from a rose was more of a kiss from a turd. Anyway, like I said, I’ve always liked Klumy but I now LOVE her after seeing how strong her Halloween costume game has been over the years. Stuck on a costume idea? Let Heidi’s finesse and utter imagination be your spirit guide to a crazy, wacky and wonderfully dressed Halloween.

Like the year she went as Lady Godiva complete with actual steed.

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Or when she went as Vishnu and painted her whole body blue

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Or completely unrecognisable one year as a Crow

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Or you know had some spare time to knock up this futuristic outfit

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Or when her and then husband Seal rocked it as Apes

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My personal fave, as an inside out muscle human thing

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Heidi is the Queen of Halloween as she rightfully demonstrates here being Cleopatra

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I have so many high hopes of what she’ll turn out as to her annual Halloween party this year.

*All photos borrowed from Vogue.com

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7 Ways To Be Happy And Not Lonely In London

I read today that 1 day of loneliness is equivalent damage to your health as 15 cigarettes. Sometimes we’re lonely and we don’t want to say we’re lonely so we pretend that everything’s okay and the biggest culprit of spanning this loneliness is moving to a new city, especially after being at university living out of each other’s pockets for 3 years.
When I first moved to London 2 years ago, I was fresh out of University and standing on the underground platform at Kings Cross waiting to endure my morning commute. The platform was rammo with people but I remember thinking that if a pin dropped now, I’d still be able to hear it. No one was speaking, it sounded like no one was even breathing, and it was then that I thought London was a lot lonelier than I’d imagined.
Sometimes London does this thing to you when you need to surround yourself with people to drown out pressures of work, struggles with finances and living in a demanding city but no matter how much partying and boozing you can do in London, you don’t always shake off that lonely feeling. Bar one friend from University, I didn’t know a single person in London and I often found that before I knew it I was sat in on a Saturday evening having binge watched Netflix all day and getting ready for round 2, and that often made me feel really lonely, and tired, and upset.
So, I thought I’d come up with 7 things that you can do in London to keep yourself happy and not feel lonely, even if you’re doing things by your physical self. If you can think of any other ideas please leave a comment with your suggestion below- I’d love to hear everyone’s else’s ideas for fun on your own!
1. Go to a Graveyard
Ok, so a graveyard doesn’t exactly scream ‘wild party!’ and actually springs to mind as a rather lonely place but one of the first things I did when I moved to London was go on a tour of Highgate Cemetery just up from Archway Station. If you think of all the people in London, and then think of all the dead people in London, think about how many of them are famous. From Karl Marx to William Blake, there’s a hell of a lot of dead famous people dotted in graveyards across London. I was walking through a small graveyard as a short cut when I was scouting some venues in the Farringdon area and I came across William Blake’s gravestone, just there, poking out of the ground. The tour at Highgate was fantastic, a little eerie (obvs) but weirdly, despite death being a seemingly lonely experience, it really was far from it.
2. Talk to a stranger
Now, use your judgement here, because I’m definitely not advocating stranger danger; just be aware of your surroundings Lots of people work in similar fields in London, take the media industry for example, talk to someone at one of the industry events you paid a £15 ticket for, hand out business cards. Chances are you probably cross paths with these people more than you think, it’s healthy for business to network and it’s even healthier for the ind. About a year ago I was sat on a train going up North when I heard a girl who looked a similar age to me talking about working in TV production. After earwigging for a bit I plucked up the courage to ask her her name, added her on Facebook and we’ve been ‘proper’ friends since then, all because I spoke to a stranger on a strain. (Also, watch Strangers on a Train, great movie).
3.  Go to a Lecture
When I left University. I was both happy and sad that I’d never have to sit in on a lecture again; but actually they’re a great way to fill up an evening, learn something new and maybe meet some new friends along the way. Kings College London do some great free public lectures on subjects from politics to poetry.
4. Go to a Market
London is the place to be for markets. From fresh fruit and veg to vintage clothes and pretty flowers, there is a market for every taste. Notting Hill specialises in trinkets and fashion items, music and beer, Borough MArket is the place to get some of the best street food dishes, Columbia Road offers the prettiest blooms in the capital and Brixton is full of vibrancy, dancing and cheap plantain. Usually crammed with people and a colourful, sensual experience, hitting up a market on your own for a couple of hours really shows and opens you up to the heart of London cultures.
5. Go Sightseeing
You’re in London. Chances are you work 9-5 anyway and will never get to see the likes of Big Ben or Kew Gardens. Pack a sandwich and make it your mission to visit a new site, even if you just do one in a weekend, I can guarantee it will swell you with London pride that you just can’t get rid of.
6. Go to Interactive Theatre
I went to Punchdrunk’s The Drowned Man last June and I had a great time experiencing Promenade theatre for the first time. I didn’t know what to expect and the great thing about promenade theatre is that it’s about immersing yourself into the experience as a whole. This means that you’re encouraged to break away from whoever you arrived with and go through the experience alone, to create a completely unique and tailored experience for yourself.
7. Go and join a club
Whether it’s ballet, or judo or indoor rock climbing, joining a club will enhance your social life, your stamina and your outlook on living in London. You’ll meet people who are joining a club to do something they love and interact with others who share the same interests at the same time. You can scout your local council website for more information on local get togethers, search on Facebook and Twitter and google the shit out of it because it’s London and if you can find a beginner’s ballet class less than a mile from your house, you can probably find a dungeons and dragons warlord special gaming group pretty easily too.
All my images are from Google and you better love them as much as me.

London’s Hidden Gem: The Winemaker’s Club

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I’m a fan of Farringdon, something about the old Smithfield market and the remnants of Dickensian London make me see it as ‘real London’, before all the Shards and the Cheese graters and the walkie talkie buildings got in the way. Not only is there some beautiful architecture in the Farringdon area, there are some hidden gems like The Winemaker’s club tucked away underneath the Holborn Viaduct.

A couple of weeks ago I met up with some friends at The Fable which is just before the viaduct and even though it goes against my previous point about the old feel of Farringdon (it’s in a building of pure glass), inside it couldn’t feel any warmer and inviting. The walls are lined with pages from novels old and new, and one of the main features of the downstairs bar is the large dinner sized table which is a caved in snug enclosed with books upon books.

The Winemaker’s club drew us in because at first glance, it literally looks like the entrance to a secret den. It’s not dingy or dark, but instead had a Lady and the Tramp style table set up complete with waxed out wine bottle candle holders and checkered table cloth. The doors are weighted with wine bottles meaning you can only really push the door one way or risk glassing yourself and upon walking in, I was pleasantly surprised with the a) musky but sweet smell and b) the rows upon rows of wine on the wall.

Now the service works that you can either go ahead and choose a  glass of any of the eight wines they currently have in rotation, or you can select (with or without help) from the big selection of wines on the wall. It actually felt all a bit religious, probably to do with the high arch ceilings and the smell of old wood you associate with churches. We opted for a little help in deciding which wine we’d go for, and after a few conversations of nodding and pretending that I knew loads more about wine than I actually do…we chose a simple Italian Soardo Bianco Vespaiolo. If you’re buying the wine to take away, you pay the price on the ticket, if you’re staying in you pay an extra £5 on the ticket price. The space isn’t huge, but if you’re paying to enjoy a nice wine, you might as well go the whole hog and pay to sit in.

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Every Tuesday from 7pm, the doors close and the Winemaker’s club lives up to it’s name by turning into a club…for wine tasting. About 10-15 people, paying £15 per head, are invited to taste wines from all over the world, chat over cheese and generally soak in the atmosphere. A great present for a visiting parent or just as something a bit different to do on a weekday.

If you want to reserve a place you can call 0207 236 2936 or visit their website thewinemakersclub

What it’s Really Like to Live in London

I know that when I was young and naïve all those one year(s) ago, I imagined my life in London not to be full of glamour, but to be full of exciting, fresh and new opportunities at every turn. With the new batch of graduates lunging into the London scene this summer with the hopes and ambitions of really good graduate jobs, I thought I’d shed a light on London life, and what it’s really like.

Firstly, and I think this should definitely be cleared up straight away; YOU WILL GET LOST. I’ve lived here coming up to a year, and I still have to frantically OCD check the underground boards and do the thing when you’re walking, realise you’re going the wrong way so pretend someone has phoned you and turn around things. All I can say is god bless Citymapper. Download it before you get here, it shits all over Google maps, and then when you get lost, you can blame it on technology instead of your incapability of following a moving blue dot.

YOU WILL RUN INTO SOMETHING RANDOM. That’s just the nature of residing in a multicultural hot pot, there’s always something crazy going on. I’ve been to Japanese festivals, roped into Hari Krishna rallies, watched RADA performances, and seen Shakespeare plays on passing barges. So if you’re every wondering what to do one nice weekend, have a look on TimeOut, but also just grab some friends and pick somewhere on the central map, Trafalgar Square always being a good place to start. I can guarantee you will run into something weird and wonderful.

When everyone moves to London, they plan their first few weekends out with seeing friends and visiting museums. Let me just clarify, right now, that YOU WILL NOT SEE ALL OF THE MUSEUMS. You will always go ‘Oh yeah I really wanna see so and so’s exhibition at the whadyamacallit but you won’t. Time slips away in London, and that time is not meant to spent surrounded by hundreds of thousands of tourists ogling the Rosetta Stone.

YOU WILL BECOME A DOUCHE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT. This is just a given. Accept that you are no longer a nice person and deal with it. You will get to your destination quicker.

YOU WILL CRY. Like the above, deal with this. By all means take that 5 minute break to go and cry some of those feelings out. Are they gone? Good! Those feelings don’t belong in London. See you’re learning.

YOU WILL ENCOUNTER A HIGHER CONCENTRATION OF CRAZY. Even people you thought were normal are usually crazy. Living in London ensures that people eventually become mentally ill. I don’t even wince when a drunken homeless man breathes on me at the bus stop asking for 20p any more. He is a mild puppy version of crazy in contrast to some of the motherf*ckers you will unfortunately come across.

In no way shape or form will you ever hear the words ‘Yeah I’ve been saving loads of money since I’ve lived here’, come from anyone’s mouth. YOU ILL SPEND ALL OF YOUR WAGES EVERY MONTH. Every last penny will be spent on clothes, booze, food and random trips out. Get used to this, anyone that saves in London lives in a box room in Epping and eats beans out of a can cold.

YOU WILL BECOME DEPENDENT ON COFFEE. I should probably save this for ‘Surviving your first job in London’ to come soon, but I think it’s also applicable to your social life. You will be knackered all the time and the only way to overcome this is to wire yourself off a drug that’s actually legal.

YOU WILL MOST LIKELY DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. Drinks after work on a Friday? Yeah you’ll only stay for one. 6 hours later and you’re stumbling home still early enough that you will get up before your teenage self would on a weekend, but you’re ashamed that you’re stuffing a midnight McDonalds into your mouth in a hope that it will soak up all the white wine spritzers you were having with your colleagues. You must do this because you promised yourself that this Saturday you were going to go and see that exhibition at that museum you’ve been meaning to go to.

And lastly but probably most likely, YOU’LL WANT TO LEAVE, but ultimately always stay, because despite all the above but because of all the above, you frickin’ love London.

 

 

The Worst Ever BRIT Award outfits

Now I’m not talking as controversial as Lady Gaga’s meat dress at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards, but after the reveal of Ellie Goulding’s questionable Vivienne Westwood gown (candyfloss and Mr Whippy lovechild) at the BRITS last week, it got me thinking about some of the fashion monstrosities that have sashayed down the red carpet in recent years. Some celebrities should have seriously have sacked their stylists, or in some cases, actually shelled out the cash for one (we’re looking at you Carol Vorderman, on THREE separate occasions, pleather? What WERE you thinking?).

anastaciaFirst off, we’re going all the way back to the prehistoric times, when Anastacia decided to shear her pet wooly mammoth for the occasion. Back in 2002 (we all remember the furry boot craze) it was important to show your traditional Icelandic side and embrace suede and wool that looks like old lady hair and Anastacia didn’t disappoint. But I applaud her for dressing appropriately for the February weather, perhaps she was worried she’d be left outside alone.

Secondly, and I mean this from the bottom of my kind-of-sympathetic-but-you-did-it-to-yourself heart; but why on EARTH did Mitch Winehouse think it was a good idea to wear his daughter, Amy Winehouse’s face, as a waistcoat to the 2013 BRITs? On the other hand, it was thoughtful for him to take her along to an award ceremony that she definitely never took heroin/drank an obscene amount of alcohol/did shoddy performances at/ruined for many of the years she was invited.

pinkNow Pink has never sat highly on my ‘Best Dressed’ scale but this toga catastrophe looks like it’s been the perfect platform for red wine induced vomiting at a teenage frat party. And pairing it with Peter Pan style boots, yep, you win Pink, you’re outfit is almost as shit as your hair.

kkI don’t think this list would have been the same without an entry from Kerry Katona. The way she gate-crashed a chess convention, before arriving with husband soon-to-be-divorced-and-onto-Delta-Goodrem Bryan McFadden at the 2004 BRITs was truly admirable. Apart from the fact that no one will ever forgive her for this terrible choice. Checkmate Kerry.

scFirst impression when seeing this picture of Sara Cox…’Sara Cox is wearing a dress made of cockroaches’.

DHThe ultimate winner on this list though, is undoubtedly 2006 entry, Debbie Harry. On the journey to rediscover her youth, it looks like Blondie had a run in with Ronald McDonald, stealing his clothes as a consolation for him refusing her a Happy Meal.

Unfortunately, in all her pleathery, crochet and basically wearing nothing glory, Caprice had too many entries to mention on this list so instead if you get bored, google ‘Caprice Brit Award Outfit’ and waste yourself at least 45 minutes cringing at work.

The Baffling BAFTAs: Explaining the award ceremony as it really is.

So this year, after already seemingly watching award ceremony after award ceremony, and beginning a career in TV & Film production, and discovering that there are even more award ceremonies than I ever thought there were, I was a bit apprehensive when the news of the BAFTA winners popped up in my email. It all gets a bit much and I didn’t want to get lost, having to watch the ceremony online with a dodgy internet connection is not something I’m looking forward to, so I thought I’d put together this post about being baffled by the BAFTA’s, and explaining the ceremony award by award right until the very bitter end. I applaud you in the most conservative clapping manner if you indeed reach the end.

 

Let’s begin with the big boys.

BEST FILM 

12 Years a Slave, Anthony Katagas, Brad Pitt, Dede Gardner, Jeremy Kleiner, Steve McQueen

American Hustle, Charles Roven, Richard Suckle, Megan Ellison, Jonathan Gordon

Captain Phillips, Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca

Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón, David Heyman

Philomena, Gabrielle Tana, Steve Coogan, Tracey Seaward

 

This is the award that anyone who is anyone and everyone who is anyone’s sister’s best friend’s hamster is excited about. The big award, the one to scoop, and seemingly more so, the one that everyone actually concentrates on and may even get a ‘whoop whoop!’ from the live audience, instead of a conservative two finger tap clap. Everyone must have sat in such anticipation as the film announced as the W!nn£r was definitely not expected in any way shape or form or has been dubbed the winner since before it was relased. Nope, no surprise there, whatsoever.

 

WINNER: 12 Years a Slave, Anthony Katagas, Brad Pitt, Dede Gardner, Jeremy Kleiner, Steve McQueen 

 

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM

Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón, David Heyman, Jonás Cuarón

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, Justin Chadwick, Anant Singh, David M. Thompson, William Nicholson

Philomena, Stephen Frears, Gabrielle Tana, Steve Coogan, Tracey Seaward, Jeff Pope

Rush, Ron Howard, Andrew Eaton, Peter Morgan

Saving Mr Banks, John Lee Hancock, Alison Owen, Ian Collie, Philip Steuer, Kelly Marcel, Sue Smith

The Selfish Giant, Clio Barnard, Tracy O’Riordan

 

Outstanding/Best British Film is a category that although, often sits in the shadows of the Best Film category, actually has more significance in the film buff world. I don’t know if you’d noticed but the BAFTAs stand for British Academy of Film and Television Arts, so the fact that there’s a British only section, is kind of just. Sneaky, but just. Muahaha us Brits ey. Anyway, whilst everyone is mopping their tears over the Best Film winner announcement and doing their 3rd cheers of the night already, some British folk in the audience are going ‘Eh?!’ at the announcement of the \/\/*nn£r of this category. Gravity. Oh erm you mean with British actors Sandra Bullock and George Clooney and British Director Alfonso Cuarón? Oh yeah, totally…erm, Cheers! Well I guess it was filmed at Pinewood studios…makes it British right?

 

WINNER: Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón, David Heyman, Jonás Cuarón 

 

OUTSTANDING DEBUT BY A BRITISH WRITER, DIRECTOR OR PRODUCER

Colin Carberry (Writer), Glenn Patterson (Writer) for Good Vibrations

Kelly Marcel (Writer) for Saving Mr Banks

Kieran Evans (Director/Writer) for Kelly + Victor

Paul Wright (Director/Writer), Polly Stokes (Producer) for For Those in Peril

Scott Graham (Director/Writer) for Shell

 

Well this award is simply just like ‘AW! How cute!’ No really, as a recent graduate of English Literature, I took some creative modules alright and it means a lot for someone to like your work. These guys-winning an internationally acclaimed super award- must have felt the same as me when I got told that I had a nice use of alliteration in a seminar once.

 

WINNER: Kieran Evans (Director/Writer) for Kelly + Victor 

 

 

FILM NOT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

The Act of Killing, Joshua Oppenheimer, Signe Byrge Sørensen

Blue is the Warmest Colour, Abdellatif Kechiche, Brahim Chioua, Vincent Maraval

The Great Beauty, Paolo Sorrentino, Nicola Giuliano, Francesca Cima Metro Manila Sean Ellis, Mathilde Charpentier Wadjda Haifaa Al-Mansour, Gerhard Meixner, Roman Paul

 

This is the award where everyone just kind of smiles and nods and inwardly slaps themselves on the wrists for not watching any of the films in this category. Well done though.

 

WINNER: The Great Beauty, Paolo Sorrentino, Nicola Giuliano, Francesca Cima Metro Manila Sean Ellis, Mathilde Charpentier Wadjda Haifaa Al-Mansour, Gerhard Meixner, Roman Paul 

 

DOCUMENTARY

The Act of Killing, Joshua Oppenheimer

The Armstrong Lie, Alex Gibney

Blackfish, Gabriela Cowperthwaite

Tim’s Vermeer, Teller, Penn Jillette, Farley Ziegler

We Steal Secrets: The Story of Wikileaks, Alex Gibney

 

This is the award where murmurs erupt underneath the blanket of two finger tap clapping, and you catch a glimpse of someone mouthing ‘I thought this category was just for David Attenborough? That’s who I voted for?’

 

WINNER: The Act of Killing, Joshua Oppenheimer 

 

ANIMATED FILM

Despicable Me 2, Chris Renaud, Pierre Coffin

Frozen, Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee

Monsters University, Dan Scanlon

 

Everyone perks up at this point because they finally recognise not only this category, but this movie too. ‘Cos watching those minions wreaking all that havoc is easier watching than actually having to endure something that might make you think! (See category above).

 

WINNER: Frozen, Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee 

 

DIRECTOR

Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave

David O Russell for American Hustle

Paul Greengrass for Captain Phillips

Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity

Martin Scorsese for The Wolf of Wall Street

 

I simply have no words to say on this category because if it were me, I would have just awarded the award to Daivd O Russell for American Hustle as he was the only Director who actually took the time to make sure he presented a film that rhymed with his own name.

 

WINNER: Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity 

 

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Eric Warren Singer, David O. Russell for American Hustle

Woody Allen for Blue Jasmine

Alfonso Cuarón, Jonás Cuarón for Gravity

Joel Coen, Ethan Coen for Inside Llewyn Davis

Bob Nelson for Nebraska

 

Original screenplay you say? Well if I wrote a screenplay about two astronauts who suffer set back after set back in their desperate return to Earth, one making it, the other sacrificing themselves with interjecting themes of wilderness survival and motifs of psychological change, I’d be pretty p****d off too if it lost out to swishing glittery jumpsuits and stripey platform shoes…and that silver dress.

 

WINNER: Eric Warren Singer, David O. Russell for American Hustle 

 

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

John Ridley for 12 Years a Slave

Richard LaGravenese for Behind the Candelabra

Billy Ray for Captain Phillips

Steve Coogan for Jeff Pope, Philomena

Terence Winter for The Wolf of Wall Street

 

You know what I’m glad Steve Coogan won this one and I’m sure everyone else in the audience thought the same. He hasn’t had the same appeal to me since Alan Partridge (and I mean late 90s Partridge not Alpha Papa) so he whole heartedly deserved this award for his great work on Philomena. Stealing the limelight a bit from Jeff Pope, but Jeff Pope is Jeff Pope and he’s probably really nice and doesn’t mind too much anyway.

 

WINNER: Steve Coogan for Jeff Pope, Philomena 

 

LEADING ACTOR

Bruce Dern for Nebraska

Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave

Christian Bale for American Hustle

Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street

Tom Hanks for Captain Phillips

 

I wanted to take this opportunity to congratulate Chiwetel Ejiofor on his fantastic performance as Peter, Kiera Knightley’s unsuspecting charmingly wonderful newlywed other half in Love Actually. That All You Need is Love scene…set high expectations for the man I marry since 2003. I haven’t seen this yet but apparently he’s good in this too.

 

WINNER: Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave 

 

LEADING ACTRESS

Amy Adams for American Hustle

Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine

Emma Thompson for Saving Mr Banks

Judi Dench for Philomena

Sandra Bullock for Gravity

 

I think the fact that Cate Blanchett spells her name with a C instead of a K is proof enough that by this point in the awards, everyone was just like, give it to Kate, I mean Cate. Does it matter? They both sound like Cake. There’s cake?

WINNER: Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine

 

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips

Bradley Cooper for American Hustle

Daniel Brühl for Rush

Matt Damon for Behind the Candelabra

Michael Fassbender for 12 Years a Slave

 

This is where the ceremony will have gotten all serious and all like ‘seriously guys, an unknown actor could completely sweep the overestimated Bradley Cooper’s and MATT DAMON’s off their feet. And rewarded for his incredible performance in Captain Phillip’s, Barkhad Abdi was, now that’s pretty impressive for your first film…ever.

 

WINNER: Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips 

 

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle

Julia Roberts for August: Osage County

Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave

Oprah Winfrey for The Butler

Sally Hawkins for Blue Jasmine

 

If Jennifer Lawrence hasn’t already won this award before she was born then there would have been outcry. Not only is she like, THE coolest and most loveable young actress since, well ever, she’s frigging good at what she does. Hustling her way to this award perfectly.

 

WINNER: Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle 

 

ORIGINAL MUSIC

Hans Zimmer for 12 Years a Slave

John Williams for The Book Thief

Henry Jackman for Captain Phillips

Steven Price for Gravity

Thomas Newman for Saving Mr Banks

 

I’m always backing John Williams on whatever he does, because he made Harry Potter magical for me. He didn’t win this, therefore myself, and all the other Harry Potter fans in the audience (everyone) didn’t care about who won. Who was it? Oh yeah. Great.

 

WINNER: Steven Price for Gravity 

 

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Sean Bobbitt for 12 Years A Slave

Barry Ackroyd for Captain Phillips

Emmanuel Lubezki for Gravity

Bruno Delbonnel for Inside Llewyn Davis

Phedon Papamichael for Nebraska

 

This is the point where everyone is just chatting amongst themselves until someone does a ‘You’re being rude’ cough of ‘Ahem’ to remind everyone that this category does exist and could everyone please stop playing Flappy Bird and pay attention.

 

WINNER: Emmanuel Lubezki for Gravity (May I add not many people have pictures of themselves just chilling in space, real or faked).

 

EDITING

Joe Walker for 12 Years a Slave

Christopher Rouse for Captain Phillips

Alfonso Cuarón, Mark Sanger for Gravity

Thelma Schoonmaker for The Wolf of Wall Street

Mike Hill, Dan Hanley for Rush

 

Hey editing is important okay. Just because the table has run out of complimentary Prosecco and the free bar is only beer and wine doesn’t mean you don’t have to applaud the guys that edit you in the movie guys! They can just as easily edit you out…

 

WINNER: Mike Hill, Dan Hanley for Rush 

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Adam Stockhausen, Alice Baker for 12 Years a Slave

Judy Becker, Heather Loeffle for American Hustle

Howard Cummings for Behind the Candelabra

Andy Nicholson, Rosie Goodwin, Joanne Woodlard for Gravity

Catherine Martin, Beverley Dunn for The Great Gatsby

 

Proof that The Great Gatsby was the greatest film of 2013, so much so it’s still making an impression a year on, still clinging onto a place on the list. Pretty much like being awarded #37 on the UK Top 40 music chart.

 

WINNER: Catherine Martin, Beverley Dunn for The Great Gatsby 

 

 

COSTUME DESIGN

Michael Wilkinson for American Hustle

Ellen Mirojnick for Behind the Candelabra

Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby

Michael o’Connor for The Invisible Woman

Daniel Orlandi for Saving Mr Banks

 

This would have been an interesting moment in the ceremony, because realistically, you have all of these beautiful and glamourous movie stars, perched in their straight off the runway, haute couture, vintage designer gear congratulating someone that they probably can’t remember the name of who made them look 10 x better than their publicist that day. If only Leonardo Di Caprio wore a salmon suit every day.

 

WINNER: Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby 

 

 

MAKE UP & HAIR

 

Evelyne Noraz, Lori Mccoy-Bell for American Hustle

Kate Biscoe, Marie Larkin for Behind the Candelabra

Debra Denson, Beverly Jo Pryor, Candace Neal for The Butler

Maurizio Silvi, Kerry Warn for The Great Gatsby

Peter Swords King, Richard Taylor, Rick Findlater for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

 

Cough, same as above. Well it is isn’t it?

 

WINNER: Evelyne Noraz, Lori Mccoy-Bell for American Hustle 

 

SOUND

 

Richard Hymns, Steve Boeddeker, Brandon Proctor, Micah Bloomberg, Gillian Arthur for All is Lost

Chris Burdon, Mark Taylor, Mike Prestwood Smith, Chris Munro, Oliver Tarney for Captain Phillips

 

Glenn Freemantle, Skip Lievsay, Christopher Benstead, Niv Adiri, Chris Munro for Gravity

Peter F. Kurland, Skip Lievsay, Greg Orloff for Inside Llewyn Davis

Danny Hambrook, Martin Steyer, Stefan Korte, Markus Stemler, Frank Kruse for Rush

 

If you don’t have a movie with sound, you have a silent movie. And then, these award ceremonies would be very different. This was such a nothing comment. Who even knew sounds was a category? Don’t blame me.

WINNER: Glenn Freemantle, Skip Lievsay, Christopher Benstead, Niv Adiri, Chris Munro for Gravity 

 

SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS

 

Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, David Shirk, Neil Corbould, Nikki Penny for Gravity

Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton, Eric Reynolds for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Bryan Grill, Christopher Townsend, Guy Williams, Dan Sudick for Iron Man 3

Hal Hickel, John Knoll, Lindy De Quattro, Nigel Sumner for Pacific Rim

Ben Grossmann, Burt Dalton, Patrick Tubach, Roger Guyett for Star Trek Into Darkness

 

OBVIOUSLY GRAVITY WOULD WIN THIS ONE THEY’RE IN SPACE (FAKE SPACE) FOR GODS SAKE. Fake space set in Buckinghamshire.

 

 

WINNER: Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, David Shirk, Neil Corbould, Nikki Penny for Gravity 

 

BRITISH SHORT ANIMATION

 

Everything I Can See From Here, Bjorn-Erik Aschim, Friederike Nicolaus, Sam Taylor

I Am Tom Moody, Ainslie Henderson

Sleeping With The Fishes, James Walker, Sarah Woolner, Yousif Al-Khalifa

 

I think Sleeping with the Fishes means dead and so does the audience but they’re not sure cos they chose to watch Gossip Girl on Netflix instead. Polite two finger tap clapping all round. Is that glass of wine for me?

 

WINNER: Sleeping With The Fishes, James Walker, Sarah Woolner, Yousif Al-Khalifa 

 

BRITISH SHORT FILM

 

Island Queen, Ben Mallaby, Nat Luurtsema

Keeping Up With The Joneses, Megan Rubens, Michael Pearce, Selina Lim

Orbit Ever After, Chee-Lan Chan, Jamie Stone, Len Rowles

Room 8, James W. Griffiths, Sophie Venner

Sea View, Anna Duffield, Jane Linfoot

 

It’s no Room on the 3rd floor video, I think McFly would be equally as proud though.

 

WINNER: Room 8, James W. Griffiths, Sophie Venner 

 

THE EE RISING STAR AWARD (voted for by the public)

 

Dane Dehaan

George Mackay

Lupita Nyong’o

Will Poulter

Léa Seydoux

“Haha yeah I remember that kid, he was on that slightly unfunny but funny e4 comedy show for kids, aw bless him, 14 isn’t he, he must feel great… 20! He’s 20?! Since when?”

 

WINNER: Will Poulter 

 

So there you have it, after the big awards, the BAFTAs are fairly boring and just an excuse for everyone to get rat arsed. So all in all, a pretty British affair.

 

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Haha- Look how adorable Steve McQueen is.